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Kason

Well here he is, our son Kason McKee Musick

I have delayed in writing this post because my mind is jumbled with all of these things that I want to say, but I have honestly been to exhausted to think about them. In my last few posts I left all of you with the impression that we were back on the fertility roller coaster...and we were. I had gone to the doctor and he encouraged us to not only try again but also to look into IVF. The reason that we chose the adoption path back in August was not only because God was leading me to adoption (more on that in a minute) but also because IVF was a huge health risk for me. Turns out IVF was not as big of a deal for me as the doctor originally thought. We got to a point where adoption seemed exhausting and IVF sort of seemed like the easiest way for us to start a family. I tried and tried to talk myself into the idea of IVF and I almost had myself convinced. I still had major reservations. IVF is definitely for some people and I think God leads everyone down different paths, but for Ryan and I it never felt right. About a month and a half ago we called our preacher and his wife to talk and to have them pray with us. (thanks Josh and Kayci! We love you guys) We had literally reached the end of our rope. It was one of those moments where we were at a crossroads and we had to choose a path. We left that night with a prayer for God's yes, whether that was IVF, adoption, or whatever. We prayed that prayer for God's yes for a week. On the Thursday before Easter, we got a phone call about a little girl that was due in September. We knew God had given us a yes on which path he wanted us on. There were several things that worried me about the September baby, including the fact that the birthmom was only 5 months pregnant. That meant I would have to go 5 more months with the fear of her backing out. I immediately began praying that God would take care of all of my fears. The Saturday before Easter, we received another call about a baby boy (this is Kason by the way) in Tulsa, OK that was due in three weeks. There was really no chance that the birthmom could back out. If she did not give him up, he would immediately go into foster care. God took care of all of my fears right there. We began preparing for a baby being born in three weeks. I was still so afraid that something was going to go wrong. I then began to pray that if God wanted this for us, he would work out ALL of the details. Not only did he work out all of the details, but he went above and beyond. He even took care of the little things. An example of this...I was looking for a duffel bag to put all of Kason's clothes in and everything online was going to take too long to be delivered. I searched everywhere. Finally one day my mom found one and not only was it cute, but it had a matching diaper bag with a K already monogramed on it. How crazy is that? BY FAR the greatest thing that God worked out was our stay in Tulsa. We knew that we were going to have to stay in Tulsa for about two weeks and a hotel cost for that long was pricey. I prayed that once again God would work it out. Our preacher called Ryan and told him that he had some friends that lived in Tulsa and they offered for us to stay with them. What an answered prayer. It goes even further, Mitch, Shannon, and their kids ended up being the most awesome people we have ever met....literally! God knew just what he was doing placing them in our adoption story. This experience would not have been the same without them and I get teary-eyed thinking about how they have impacted our lives. It's like we had known them forever. The crazy part...every year for the past several years they have moved an intern working at the church into the spare bedroom. This year, they didn't have one that needed to live with them. That could have only been orchestrated by God. Mitch, Shannon, Jake, and Ashton we love you guys and we are forever grateful that you provided a temporary home for the 3 of us.

On Monday May 17th, we got a call that the birthmom had gone to the doctor at 1 pm, and had not dilated at all. It would be another two weeks at the least. Kason had other plans, he decided to come that night. We got a call around 11pm that she was in labor. We threw everything we could find in a suitcase and hit the road. Kason was born at 2:38 am. We didn't get there until 6 am. The first time I saw him, I felt so many emotions. I was angry with the birthmom, because I couldn't understand why she would give up something so precious. On the other hand I was so thankful that she gave me such a wonderful gift. We got to meet both parents and I am very glad for that experience. It definitely put things into perspective. No matter what my first impressions were, I will always be grateful for her and the birthdad and they will always hold a special place in my heart.

Kason is such an amazing baby and I thank God for him everyday. I am so glad that God chose us to not only be mom and dad but adoptive mom and dad. We both agree that we would not have things any other way. God just gave us such a peace about everything. We love him just as much as if he physically came from us. We definitely want God to get all of the glory for every step of our journey. God reminds me everyday when I look at Kason, that he is not the only one that has been adopted... Ryan and I both have been adopted by God himself.

-Sarah

Climb Up in My Tractor

As someone that struggles with infertility, I sometimes get some not-so-nice comments from well intentioned friends. I understand that they mean well. Sometimes it just leaves me frustrated because they don't truly understand my DAILY struggle (I hope I don't offend anyone by the way). Ultimately unless they have been through infertility, they can't. It got me thinking back on the times that I may have said something to some one with good intentions, but I was left with that "I think I just stuck my foot in my mouth" feeling. What do you say to someone that is dealing with something that you have never dealt with? There is no easy way to answer that because nothing that you say can take away their pain. I'm currently reading the book "When Empty Arms leave Heavy Burdens" by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer and it talks about a farmer that gets his tractor stuck in the mud. He tries everything to try to get this tractor out of the mud but fails at every attempt. Finally he gives up and just sits in his tractor. His friend comes along and sees that his tractor is stuck. There are so many things that his friend could have done. He could have tried to fix it for him or told him how to handle it, but instead he climbed up in the tractor and sat there with him. Sometimes as we deal with all of the many things that life throws at us, we need someone to climb up in our tractors and sit there : )

~Sarah

A recent turn of events

I have a small disclaimer before I start this post....I still absolutely positively think that adoption is a wonderful thing!!! It is hard, but I'm sure the end result is amazing. We had a recent turn of events in our infertility experiences. We are now back to "trying" again. In October I started a very high dosage of birth control because my doctor thought it might help my PCOS symptoms. He also thought it would take a LONG TIME for my body to respond. I went in for some blood work at the end of October and at my appointment in November he told me that my hormone levels were pretty much back to normal. All I needed to do was to stay on the BC for four months and we would be all clear for trying again. Dr. K had suggested a laparoscopy (a noninvasive surgery used to diagnose endometriosis, tumors, cyst, etc. Basically they go in and make sure everything looks normal) I kept putting it off because I thought it wouldn't help much. I finally decided that if we were going to start trying again, it may be a great idea to make sure there was nothing else going on. They did the surgery and overall it went really well. I had an awesome nurse that took care of me and even shared a little of her and her sister's struggles in getting pregnant. Well, they did find a few things. I had endometriosis, a large cyst on one of my ovaries, and an ovary was attached to the wall of my uterus. Luckily everything is all fixed! Soooo we are back on the roller coaster again. Adoption is still an option for the future and maybe that is still what God wants for us. For now I think I would regret it a little if we didn't at least try and if there is one thing that I have learned, it is never give up an opportunity to walk through an open door. God has brought us through so much and I know that he has an awesome plan for our future even if it is hard to see the big picture right now. An update coming soon....


~Sarah

Adoption Diaries Part 2

So a lot has happened since I last posted. I'll try to start where I left off. We really feel that God is moving us through this adoption and opening up doors. The week after the big decision, we started the search for the right agency for us. There are so many and some of them obviously do not have your best interest at heart. We called two or three that wanted $10,000 up front just to "advertise" your family and then $40,000+ for the adoption. We got to a point where we really didn't know how to move forward. We prayed for God to show us which way to go and he definitely did just what we asked. A family friend told us the name and number of a woman in South Carolina that started an adoption advising business. Her name is Jeanna and she has an awesome story on how adoption has touched her life. We called her that night. She told us she would be happy to help us and she was emailing us the paper work right away. I walked into the bedroom where Ryan was and I told him that I felt like God had given me a peace with using this woman. I went on to tell him that all day that day Jeremiah 29:11 kept running through my head. I was thinking about it when I woke up and I had seen it a couple of times that day. After dinner we sat down at the computer to check our email and we had received the paper work. As we scrolled down the page Jeremiah 29:11 was at the bottom right under her name. We just looked at each other. If I didn't already feel like God was leading us in this direction, I definitely felt after reading the email. Since that phone call we have finished our adoption profile, almost finished our home study, and received four or five situations. We sent out our profile to 7 agencies all over the country. Things are moving right along. We know that God has the perfect baby for our family whether the wait is a week or two years. More updates to come....

~Sarah

Adoption Diaries

So for now I am going to be documenting our journey through adoption. We are literally just now starting with everything, but the biggest step was the decision to adopt.

The Decision...
We have always thought adoption was great and definitely a possibility for the future...we just didn't know that God was not planning adoption for our future, but more for our present. In fact a few months ago I told Ryan that after we have our own biological baby, I would love the chance to provide a family for child that doesn't have a family. Through all of our trips to the fertility doctor we kept praying that God would bless us with a baby. During this time, adoption just kept coming up. I kept praying "Yes God I am more than willing to adopt....but after I have my own biological child" (a little selfish I know) or "Please God not right now. There is so much I want to experience with pregnancy." and even "God if you want this now, you are going to have to change my heart to want this now." I'm sure God got tired of my selfish prayers, so he closed a door.

More Bad News...
Through a series of events, we found out that having a child of our own was just not a reality, at least not without many procedures and not for a very long time. In fact on our own, we only have less than a 5-10% chance. God is big and he can do anything. I don't doubt at all that he could create life in me, but there has to be some reason he is not answering our prayers. I mean he wouldn't create this huge need for a child to love in both Ryan and I, if he was not going to provide us with one, would he?

Then Came the Tears...
I thought I would never cry as much as I did when I miscarried but I was wrong. Reality just hits you like a ton of bricks. I decided that it is what it is and Ryan and I are the way we are. God obviously made us this way, so I might as well just accept it. It was time to finally listen to what God wants instead of what I want. Accepting it doesn't make the hurt go away, but God did exactly what I prayed for him to do. He changed my heart. We went to eat with friends just a few hours after we found out the bad news . The more I talked about adoption with friends and with Ryan, the better I felt about it. What really made it clear was a phone call from my sister (who knew nothing about our decision at that point). She had just had a long conversation with someone that had adopted and wanted to share the idea with me. It finally became a new exciting experience that God had chosen me and Ryan to be a part of. Not everyone gets to experience the selfless love that adoption brings. It has totally changed my way of thinking. I don't look a adoption as a last resort, I look at it as something I should have thought of in the first place.

When God Closes One Door...
God is definitely making it clear that we are on the right path. He is opening up lots of doors. We sat down with both of our families and discussed the new path we were on and to our surprise, everyone was very supportive of our decision. Today was our first official day calling adoption agencies and getting paper work together. There is soooooo much that is involved in adoption and it can become very overwhelming very quickly. We have found several places that we have a connection with. There are lots of other decisions to make but one we are both in agreement on is that we want to adopt domestically.

Thank you to all of the mothers that choose to keep their babies and put them up for adoption for families like ours. It is such a sacrafice and you will never know just how appreciated you are!

~Sarah

Healing

Many people have asked how we have been doing over the past few weeks. We are actually doing much better! Time brings so much healing and some of the emotions fade away. This experience will always be a part of me, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Miscarriages happen all of the time and to many people, but there was something about knowing I was going to miscarry while I was still pregnant that made me feel horrible! I just wanted it to not be real...like I would get a call from my doctor telling me they had made a mistake. Right now we are just focusing on being Me and Ryan and having fun as a married couple. If there is anything that being pregnant (even if it was only a few weeks) made me realize, it is that Ryan and I can never get this time back. The time of just being the two of us, and maybe that was part of God's plan. Not that we wouldn't love a new addition to the family, but while we have it we might as well take advantage of it. We are taking a "big" vacation soon to St. Thomas. I think it will be good for us to get away from everything. For now, our dreams of having a baby are put on hold. We can't wait to meet baby Musick one day and look forward to seeing what God has planned for us. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful comments and prayers!
-Sarah