Climb Up in My Tractor

As someone that struggles with infertility, I sometimes get some not-so-nice comments from well intentioned friends. I understand that they mean well. Sometimes it just leaves me frustrated because they don't truly understand my DAILY struggle (I hope I don't offend anyone by the way). Ultimately unless they have been through infertility, they can't. It got me thinking back on the times that I may have said something to some one with good intentions, but I was left with that "I think I just stuck my foot in my mouth" feeling. What do you say to someone that is dealing with something that you have never dealt with? There is no easy way to answer that because nothing that you say can take away their pain. I'm currently reading the book "When Empty Arms leave Heavy Burdens" by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer and it talks about a farmer that gets his tractor stuck in the mud. He tries everything to try to get this tractor out of the mud but fails at every attempt. Finally he gives up and just sits in his tractor. His friend comes along and sees that his tractor is stuck. There are so many things that his friend could have done. He could have tried to fix it for him or told him how to handle it, but instead he climbed up in the tractor and sat there with him. Sometimes as we deal with all of the many things that life throws at us, we need someone to climb up in our tractors and sit there : )

~Sarah

Adoption Diaries

So for now I am going to be documenting our journey through adoption. We are literally just now starting with everything, but the biggest step was the decision to adopt.

The Decision...
We have always thought adoption was great and definitely a possibility for the future...we just didn't know that God was not planning adoption for our future, but more for our present. In fact a few months ago I told Ryan that after we have our own biological baby, I would love the chance to provide a family for child that doesn't have a family. Through all of our trips to the fertility doctor we kept praying that God would bless us with a baby. During this time, adoption just kept coming up. I kept praying "Yes God I am more than willing to adopt....but after I have my own biological child" (a little selfish I know) or "Please God not right now. There is so much I want to experience with pregnancy." and even "God if you want this now, you are going to have to change my heart to want this now." I'm sure God got tired of my selfish prayers, so he closed a door.

More Bad News...
Through a series of events, we found out that having a child of our own was just not a reality, at least not without many procedures and not for a very long time. In fact on our own, we only have less than a 5-10% chance. God is big and he can do anything. I don't doubt at all that he could create life in me, but there has to be some reason he is not answering our prayers. I mean he wouldn't create this huge need for a child to love in both Ryan and I, if he was not going to provide us with one, would he?

Then Came the Tears...
I thought I would never cry as much as I did when I miscarried but I was wrong. Reality just hits you like a ton of bricks. I decided that it is what it is and Ryan and I are the way we are. God obviously made us this way, so I might as well just accept it. It was time to finally listen to what God wants instead of what I want. Accepting it doesn't make the hurt go away, but God did exactly what I prayed for him to do. He changed my heart. We went to eat with friends just a few hours after we found out the bad news . The more I talked about adoption with friends and with Ryan, the better I felt about it. What really made it clear was a phone call from my sister (who knew nothing about our decision at that point). She had just had a long conversation with someone that had adopted and wanted to share the idea with me. It finally became a new exciting experience that God had chosen me and Ryan to be a part of. Not everyone gets to experience the selfless love that adoption brings. It has totally changed my way of thinking. I don't look a adoption as a last resort, I look at it as something I should have thought of in the first place.

When God Closes One Door...
God is definitely making it clear that we are on the right path. He is opening up lots of doors. We sat down with both of our families and discussed the new path we were on and to our surprise, everyone was very supportive of our decision. Today was our first official day calling adoption agencies and getting paper work together. There is soooooo much that is involved in adoption and it can become very overwhelming very quickly. We have found several places that we have a connection with. There are lots of other decisions to make but one we are both in agreement on is that we want to adopt domestically.

Thank you to all of the mothers that choose to keep their babies and put them up for adoption for families like ours. It is such a sacrafice and you will never know just how appreciated you are!

~Sarah

Healing

Many people have asked how we have been doing over the past few weeks. We are actually doing much better! Time brings so much healing and some of the emotions fade away. This experience will always be a part of me, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Miscarriages happen all of the time and to many people, but there was something about knowing I was going to miscarry while I was still pregnant that made me feel horrible! I just wanted it to not be real...like I would get a call from my doctor telling me they had made a mistake. Right now we are just focusing on being Me and Ryan and having fun as a married couple. If there is anything that being pregnant (even if it was only a few weeks) made me realize, it is that Ryan and I can never get this time back. The time of just being the two of us, and maybe that was part of God's plan. Not that we wouldn't love a new addition to the family, but while we have it we might as well take advantage of it. We are taking a "big" vacation soon to St. Thomas. I think it will be good for us to get away from everything. For now, our dreams of having a baby are put on hold. We can't wait to meet baby Musick one day and look forward to seeing what God has planned for us. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful comments and prayers!
-Sarah

Baby Nash Is Here!!!

The proud Aunt and Uncle are so glad to announce that Nash has finally arrived! He weighed 5lbs and 10ozs and was 19 inches long. We love Jon Harris so much and we are excited to get to love another special little boy! Congratulations Stephanie, Bo, and Jon Harris! We love you all!

-Rah Rah and Uncle Ryan

The BEST big brother in the world

October

There has been a lot going on in the Musick household this month. At the beginning of the month we took a much needed vacation to the beach with his parents. We had a great time and as usual, Ryan's dad made things really interesting. The weather was perfect. There was only one rainy day the whole time. Last Saturday, Ryan and I hosted a baby shower for Steph and Bo! We had a great time hanging out with friends and Nash got some cute stuff! The best part was getting to decorate the house with all of the cute baby stuff. We also found out that our favorite cousins, Billy and Melanie are expecting a baby! The list is growing for all of the babies that Ryan and I get to babysit : ) Stephanie took my advice and finished Nash's room. Now I just have to get her to pack her bags for the hospital...haha!

Sarah

The Fam

Mike taking a much needed nap on the beach



All of Nash's cute clothes



I FINALLY got to use my China







Avery was exhausted after all of the decorating

It must be in the water!!!

In my world it seems like everyone is pregnant!! Well, I guess just the females. I am so excited for my new nephew to be here (Steph, your consultant says it is time to get started on that room!!!!!!!!!!!) It makes me think back 7 years ago when Jon Harris was born and how happy I was to meet him. As the date gets closer, the anticipation grows! I am also excited for ALL my friends that are having babies. One of my close friends from Covington is expecting in October and my two close friends from Memphis are due in March and April. Congratulations you guys! Needless to say, it is going to be a busy few months with baby showers! I have had many many people ask when we are going to start trying....who knows...maybe soon?....

Sarah